The Fellowthingy of That Thing
by Insanity Rules
Summary: OH MY FRICKIN' GOD!!!! Has it really been five months? I am so sorry, read my profile and you'll know my excuses. SORRY!!
1. Of Burning Pants and Polite Black Riders

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. Just incase you have been told otherwise.

This is my FIRST Fanfic, please bear that in mind as you read this. You don't like, don't hurt me ::quickly takes cover behind computer chair:: But if you do, see that thingy that says "submit review?" Good. Click on that. GREAT!!!

CHAPTER ONE

"Well here we are, the Dancing Horse Hotel!!!!!" Frodo exclaimed loudly. The four hobbits stood before a tall white building complete with doorman and a twirling door.

"Frodo you idiot!" Sam yelled. "Gandalf said the PRANCING PONY!!"

Frodo looked to the palm of his hand and sure enough, written on it was "go to THE PANCING PONY"

"Honest mistake," whispered Merry to Pippin who abruptly smacked him upside the head.

"He had it written on his hand and he still couldn't remember the name."

"Well, he can't help it, Frodo's forgetful sometimes," Merry said as they started off down the soggy road towards the REAL inn.

"Sometimes? Look at his arms," Pippin pointed to Frodo, who had notes written up and down his arms.

After a while Frodo stopped in front of a run down shack with a peeling sign that read "P…n…i…n"

"Here we are!!" Frodo said happily.

Sam rubbed his temples. "No, Frodo," he said in an even voice, "we're supposed to go the PRANCING PONY!!! This is…I don't know what this is, c'mon Frodo." He pulled the other hobbit across the street to an inn with a sign over head that actually read "The Prancing Pony"

"Poor Frodo," said Pippin, shaking his head.

"YAY! Frodo found it!" Merry exclaimed as they walked in the door.

"Poor Frodo and Merry," said Pippin.

Frodo stopped in the doorway, "Hey, I'm IN an INN!"

"Yes, Frodo, great job at stating the obvious," Sam pushed him on through.

"Thank you!" Said Frodo, not detecting the note of sarcasm in Sam's voice. Pippin shook his head.

"Er, I didn't think to take the name of this place too literally," said Pippin looking around.

And duhduhDUH!! Lo and behold, there were ponies prancing around the common room.

"Eh, wut's all this?" A voice asked, and *poof* the ponies were gone, replaced by a crowd of people.

The Hobbits blinked.

"Um," said Sam and Pippin

"Ooo, do that again!" Cried Frodo and Merry.

"Do what?" Said the voice from the counter.

"The ponies," Merry whined.

"What Ponies?"

Sam and Pippin blinked.

"Er, oookay," he said turning to Sam and Pippin, "you two look to be a bit, er, less…"

"Stupid," Pippin added for him, "Thanks, we are kinda keeping them from running around the world in the nude."

"Ah, right, so you two important chaps-"

"No, no, I'M more important then THEM," Frodo cut in, "I have the RING." Frodo's eyes got as big as dinner plates.

Sam smacked him upside the head.

"WHAT?!" He yelled. "See? I got this ring and it turns me invisible, watch." Frodo ended in a secretive whisper.

Frodo took the ring from his chain and was about to put it on when a crowd burst through the door. Frodo slid very conveniently into the middle of the common room and *pop* was gone.

"Frodo you idiot!" All three of them called, although Merry could have said something closer to "Frodo, do that again!"

MEANWHILE-in a corner

"Oh no, that is not good," said Strider as he tried to make his way through a crowd of people towards the Hobbits.

"Hey watch where yore goin!"

"You watch it!"

"Hey, you wanna start something?"

"Maybe I do,"

"Let's take it outside then,"

"Yeah, let's,"

Completely oblivious to the task at hand, Strider walked right on top of Frodo and past the Hobbits out the door.

"Okay, put them up," he said to the fat man.

"Shut yore mouth and let's get started," he landed a punch right to Strider's jaw.

"Hey, that wasn't very nice," Strider said, dazed. His fist connected with the side of the man's head.

"Ow!" Both cried.

"That's it!" The man whipped out a long knife.

"Ooo, so scared," Strider unsheathed his own sword. Everyone watching laughed. "So what if it's broken! It can still cut you up pretty good!" 

Just then something else caught his attention.

"Yes, just the next inn down, thank you," a Black Rider was leaning over, asking a kindly old women for directions to The Prancing Pony. As they galloped off the other four Black Riders thanked her.

"Thank you, ma'am,"

"Most kindly of you," and so and so forth.

They rode up to the group of men, "Excuse us, but is this the Prancing Pony?"

"AAAHHHH!!" Yelled Strider and he ran inside.

"What was his problem?"

"We're not THAT scary, are we?"

"Where are the Hobbits?" He called franticly when he got inside.

Everyone in the room looked up at him like he was insane. Those around him started to inch away.

"Er, they went that way," someone said boldly and pointed towards the corner.

There, Sam and Pippin sat between Frodo and Merry and the wall, making sure neither got into too much trouble.

"Hey, Pippin, lookit this." 

"No, please don't light that Frodo."

"But I already did,"

"FRODO MY PANTS!!!!!" 

Sam jumped up and slapped at his burning trousers as Pippin poured a glass of water on him, Merry and Frodo sat laughing

Strider made his way quickly over there.

"Hey, watch where yore goin","

"Not now buddy, please,"

"Er, you, uh, better follow me, and you, put that match out before you light someone's pants on fire," he said desperately, and snatched Frodo and Merry right off the ground and carried them out of the common room over his shoulders.

"Weeeeeeeeee!"

"Sir, perhaps you could slow down a bit, MY PANTS **ARE** ON FIRE!" Sam called from behind.

"Oooo, didn't see that,"

"Oh yeah, a hobbit with flaming pants is hard to miss," scoffed Sam. Pippin scuttled behind with another glass of water and poured it over Sam. The fire went out with a hiss.

"There, now that that's all taken care of," Strider hurried ahead.

"Where are we going?" Asked Pippin.

"Someplace where those Polite Black Riders can't get you!!" Called Strider.

"Uh, last time I checked the Black Riders weren't to kindly."

"Well, obviously they've went to anger management classes or something, I dunno!"

They got to the end of the hall and he opened a door and threw the Hobbits in, Sam and Pippin barely got in before Strider slammed the door shut. He stood up, pacing and talking quietly to himself.

"Okay, okay, I had this all planned out in the beginning. Oh, this always happens, I cave under the pressure. Why didn't I listen to Arwen and go to those self-management classes?"

"Um, excuse me-"

"WHAT!" Strider whipped around, with his, uh, sword drawn.

Pippin swallowed and moved the point away from his arm ("Darn, I can never get it near the throat.") and took a step back, "Who are you?"

Strider perked up, "I'm Strider, Aragorn, Estel, whatever I don't care, you know what's like having about a million names? It's a pain trying to remember all of them."

"I'm sorry we don't, I'm Sam and this is Pippin, and those two," he pointed sadly at Frodo and Merry bouncing on the bed, "are Frodo and Merry."

"Ah, it's a pleasure I'm sure, but your gonna hafta, like, hide somewhere, because I don't think those Black Riders are going to be very polite when they find you." Strider said franticly as he threw blankets over the Hobbits.

Soon, there was a knock on the door and a hooded head popped in. "Er, excuse us, but did you happen to see a few Hobbits around?"

"I guess I was wrong."

"About what?"

"Oh, uh, that you were room service."

"Well, no I'm not, now have you see a few Hobbits, four I think."

"No, uh, yes, I mean NO! I have not."

"Hhhmm, well, if you do, give me call."

"Heh, sure."

The Black Rider left with a puzzled face, or what could have only been a puzzled face, because, well, you couldn't see its face.

"Weee, we're ordering room service??"


	2. Whethertop and the Coherent Frodo

Disclaimer: We all know that Jennn(no, not a typo) does not own LOTR, but it would be awesome if she could get her hands on some ketchup.

CHAPTER TWO 

"Tell me again, please, why we are following this guy?" Asked Sam. He pointed ahead to Aragorn, who, unfortunately, was singing loudly.

"OH GIVE ME A HOME WHERE THE ORCS LOVE TO ROAM AND THE ELVES AND THE DWAVES DON'T PLAY…"

"Because, uh, he says he's taking us to Rivendell," answered Pippin.

"AND GONDOR IS HEARD A DISCOURAGING WORD AND THE SKY IS BLACK ALL DAY!!!!" Merry and Frodo had joined in.

"WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!" Cried Sam. "WHY WOULD YOU WANT A HOME WHERE THE ORCS LOVE TO ROAM ANYWAY?!"

They stopped immediately and looked to the ground, downcast.

"Geez Sam, they were just makin some fun," said Pippin in the trio's defense.

"Just our luck, we get stuck with a guide with an I.Q. two points higher than Frodo's," mumbled Sam.

"Hey, I heard that and I'm pretty smart, you know."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I bet I'm smarter than you."

"Uh huh."

"Don't let him get to you." offered Pippin. "He has to put up with Frodo everyday, that can wear your patience down a bit."

"Yeah, a bit," scoffed Sam.

"WELL HERE WE ARE!!!!" Called Aragorn so suddenly and loudly that everyone jumped.

"Here we are, where?" Asked Sam.

"Okay, I've been through too much to be taking cheek from A LITTLE HOBBIT!!" Aragorn yelled.

"No really, WHERE are we?" Asked Pippin.

"OH NOW YOU"RE ON MY CASE?!"

"No, silly, they just want to know where we have stopped," said Frodo through a mouthful of grass. 

Everyone looked at Frodo, absolutely dumbstruck at this stroke of brilliance, despite the fact that him and Merry were face first in the grass.

"What? Do you think I'm stupid or something, I can break down simple sentences," said Frodo after seeing the look on everyone's face.

"Yeah, and that's as far as you'll get," said Sam.

"Well, anyway, we're at Weathertop Hill," Aragorn stated proudly.

"Aha, and what will we be doing here, Mr. Strider, sir?" Asked Merry.

Aragorn beamed at being called "mister" and "sir".

"Well, young Hobbits, we'll spend the night here," answered Aragorn.

"But, where's the hill?" Asked Frodo, Sam popped a few tablets of Advil into his mouth.

"Over there, with the dancing horses," he answered, then blinked, "Dancing horses?"

AND DUHDUHDUH!!! There were the prancing ponies again, on top of the hill where they were supposed to camp.

Aragorn cleared his throat, "Excuse me!"

And *poof* the ponies were gone.

"Ooooo, do that again," said Frodo and Merry in awe.

"Do what?" Asked Aragorn.

Sam and Pippin blinked.

"The ponies," whined Frodo.

"What ponies?" Aragorn turned to Sam and Pippin; Sam handed the bottle of Advil to Pippin. "Ah, well, off we go then."

MEANWHILE-with the Polite Black Riders

"You really scared that one lady, did you even say sorry?" Asked Polite Black Rider #1

"No," said #4 sadly, "my anger got the best of me, darn, maybe two more classes and I could have dealt with it."

"Well, no use crying over spilt milk, what's done is done," said #2 and let out a sigh. "It was kinda fun, you know, seeing her scream."

#1 whacked him upside the head.

"We are TRYING to give Sauron a better reputation, that he isn't all conquer and destroy."

"But I thought he was," said #2

"Sssshhhhh, some people don't know that yet," whispered #3.

"Hey, look, a hill," said #2

"Wow, good for you, you can see," said #1.

"I mean, maybe the little dude with the Ring is up there," #2 said as if it was obvious he was.

"Uh, #2, that's kinda out there, you know that right?" Asked #3.

"Well, where else would he be? It's all flat out here." 

"*Sigh* well, I hate to say it, but #2 actually sounds right," said #1 as they steered there horses towards the hill, "for once."

"HEY, I heard that!"

"What?"

BACK ON THE HILL 

"THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS, IT GOES ON AND ON MY FRIENDS…" Yes, Aragorn, Frodo, and Merry were singing again.

"Maybe when we get to Rivendell, we'll be able to stay FAR away from them, you've always wanted to see the Elves, right?" Asked Pippin as he handed Sam the last of the Advil.

"They've been singing that song FOR TWO HOURS!!!!" He cried as he swallowed the Advil. "What if someone hears?"

"Who would hear them?"

Just then a voice came from below, "You know, I could hear those guys a league away."

"See, I told you," said Sam, then realizing what was going on screamed. "AAAHHHH!! Polite Black Riders! HIDE!!"

Aragorn, Frodo, and Merry stopped singing and watched Sam run around in circles for a few minutes before realization struck Aragorn. He picked up the Hobbits and threw them in a cave and drew his sword.

"You guys stay there," he called.

"As if we're going to move," said Pippin.

But he didn't take into account Frodo's, uh, forgetfulness, because just then Frodo got up and walked out of the cave.

"Well, at least we got rid of him, the world may come to an end, but we got rid of him," said Sam, looking for more Advil.

Outside, Frodo found Aragorn having a conversation with the Black Riders.

"Aha, what a coincidence to find you here," said #1.

"Yeah, well, you know, it's a small world," Aragorn said shakily.

"So it was just you singing, sounded like more," said #1 a bit warily.

"Uh huh, just me. I have quite a voice, Lalalala," Aragorn swallowed.

"No, silly!" Frodo piped up, everyone looked to him, and Aragorn slapped his forehead. "I was singing with him!"

"That's the one we're looking for!" Cried #1. He pointed a long knife at Frodo to show him to the others, but if flew out of his hands WHOOSH and got Frodo right in the shoulder.

"AHHHH! How could you, #1?!" Asked #3.

"It-it was a-a-an accident," he replied and fled from the scene, the others followed, criticizing his anger management.

"FRODO!!!!" Called Aragorn, Merry, and Pippin.

"Oh no, they got Frodo," said Sam in a monotone.

"We have to get him to Rivendell, before he turns into one of THEM!!" Aragorn screamed at the very thought of Frodo becoming polite, oh, and a Black Rider.

"Top notch idea, my good fellow," said Frodo before he fainted.

"AHHHHH!!! We have to hurry! It's already starting!" Everyone, even Sam, cried.


	3. The Completely Unrehearsed Council of El...

Disclaimer: Guess what? I DON'T own LOTR, gotcha there didn't I?

CHAPTER THREE 

"Ooooo, Frrroooodoooo, waaake uuuuppp."

Frodo shot up and there was Gandalf leaning over him.

"AHHHH!!!" Frodo cried.

"AAHHHH!!" Screamed Gandalf. "No need to yell, now, glad I got you up."

Frodo sat with a stupid grin on his face, as usual, and began to bat at Gandalf's beard.

"Um, stop that now, please, thank you. Well, you best get up, you have a counsel to go to," said Gandalf and he lifted Frodo out of the bed and brushed him off and lead him out the door.

"Uh, Mr. Gandalf, where am I?" Asked Frodo.

"Ah, I see that the effects of your wound have not fully wore off," he blinked when Frodo asked what wound. "Never mind, you're in Riven-" Gandalf looked at a note card in his hand "dell."

"Oh," said Frodo, "and what counsel do I have to go to?"

"You know, the usual thing where everyone comes and decides the fate of the world and such, no big thing really," Gandalf reassured.

"Oh, and why do I have to be there?" 

Gandalf was about to whack Frodo upside the head, but he controlled himself, "Uh, because Frodo, you have THE RING OF POWER." (Cue for dramatic music and lightning in the background)

"Oh, okay," said Frodo cheerfully.

Just then they turned the corner and out popped Merry, Pippin, and Sam. Sam didn't look too happy when he saw Frodo walking under his own power.

"Oh good, he's recovered," he mumbled.

"That's the spirit, Samwise!" Called Gandalf, not noting the hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"I'm off to the counsel, I hope you enjoy yourselves my friends," called Frodo as Gandalf lead him away.

"Um, was it just me, or did Frodo actually say something that made sense?" Asked Pippin.

Sam took out a small notepad and scribbled something down, "Frodo speaks as an adult, second time on the trip, we're on a roll."

AT THE COUNSEL

"Okie dokie, everyone is here? GREAT!!!" Called Elrond, everyone jumped. "Uh, Legolas and Company, would you mind putting down those chairs? They're quite, er, valuable. Thank you, now where were we? Oh right! Frodo please bring THE RING."

Frodo sat happily swinging his legs until he heard his name, "Yes?"

"THE RING, please."

"Oh, right, so sorry," Frodo hopped off the chair and put the ring on a stone table.

"Oooooo."

"Ahhhhhhhh,"

"Duuuuuude," said Legolas and Company.

"Yes, yes, quite the thing to ooo and ahhhh at, well, now what do we do?" Asked Elrond, shuffling through a pile of papers by his chair.

"Uh, sir, might I suggest that we GO AND DESTROY THE RING," Aragorn puffed out his chest proudly.

"No, no, that's not it, AH HA! Here it is!" Elrond waved a sheet of paper, obviously the schedule for today's events. "Oh, don't look so put down Aragorn, that doesn't happen for another hour or so, right now it's time for-" he looks at his sheet "Boromir to try and unsuccessfully convince us that we should give THE RING to Gondor. So, Boromir, the floor is all yours."

"Thank you Master Elrond," Boromir got up timidly and shuffled to where the ring lay. "Uh, why don't you give the ring to Gondor? We could-could use it to fight that guy, uh, Sauron, yeah that's it!"

"YOU CANNOT WIELD IT!!!!" Aragorn yelled at Boromir.

"Aragorn, take it down a notch," whispered Elrond, who pointed at the surprised and hurt looking Boromir.

"Well, if we can't, then I guess I'll just sit down," Boromir shuffled back to his seat.

"Okay, now Gimli, if you would please take a swing at THE RING with your axe," Elrond said after consulting his piece of paper.

"Huh, what?" Said Gimli, wretched from his sleep.

"PLEASE TAKE A SWING AT THE RING WITH YOUR AXE!!!!" Yelled Elrond.

"Geez, I'm not deaf," mumbled Gimli as he took out his axe and swung it at the ring.

"You may not want to do that," said Elrond sleepily.

Gimli stopped in mid-swing, "But you just told me to."

Elrond looked up from his nails, "Oh, yes, I know, but if you read the script you'll see that you break your axe on THE RING."

"Dude, why do keep saying 'THE RING'?" Asked Legolas.

"I"M NOT BREAKING MY AXE ON THAT THING!!" Cried Gimli.

"Legolas, if you look in the script-"

"WHY DO I HAVE TO RUIN A PERFECTLY GOOD AXE?!" Gimli was on the verge of taking the axe to Elrond's head instead of the ring.

"Hey, buddy give the elf a break," said Legolas to Gimli.

"GIVE HIM A BREAK? I'M NOT BREAKING MY AXE!!" Roared Gimli.

"Gimli's right, why should he have to ruin his axe?" Asked Boromir.

"The script, THE SCRIPT!!!" Screamed Elrond.

"Hhhmm, when do we get to the part where I say I'll take the ring, oh excuse me, THE RING to Mordor?"" asked Frodo.

Everyone stopped arguing over Gimli's axe and the script and for some reason the brand of shampoo that was best for elven hair, and starred at Frodo.

"Oh dear GODS!!!!" Was heard coming from the bushes near by.

"Shut up Sam," came another voice.

Sam walked out of the bushes writing in his notepad, "This is a good day for Frodo, he asked a REAL question."

"Oh, geez, now I've lost them completely," Elrond threw the script away and sat rubbing his temples.

"WELL?" Asked Frodo.

"Uh, sure, you can go, anyone else want to?" Elrond asked.

"I guess I'll have to show this numskull the way," said Gandalf.

"Oooo, I want to go too," Aragorn said bouncing up and down in his seat.

"Dude, this is like the ultimate adventure thing, count me in," said Legolas enthusiastically.

"If that poor excuse for an elf is going, I'm going too," Legolas starred needles at the Dwarf.

"Darn it, Father said to do something when something like this happened, and what was that something? Oh, I guess I'll just go too," said Boromir sulkily.

"FRODO'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITHOUT US!!!" Said Merry and Pippin, Sam was dragged behind quite unhappily.

"Well then, if I had my script I would know what to say right now," Elrond looked at everyone angrily, "but since I don't, I guess I'll just have to call you, oh I dunno, THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING!!"

"Dude, that has a nice ring to it," said Legolas.

"Yeah, maybe because it was written in the script," Aragorn pointed to a piece of paper on the floor that Elrond was reading off of.


	4. Aragorn the AntBrained

Disclaimer: I've said it before, and I'll say it a again. I DO not OWN LotR!!!!

CHAPTER FOUR "Aragorn the Ant Brained"

Magical Narrator: Heehee, hi everybody ("Hi Magical Narrator!") My first starring role, my time to shine, my fift-::goes on for quite some time after this until all the nice readers have fallen asleep. Then finally she notices and rolls her eyes, which she can't do because she's only a mystical voice from the heavens, but you get the idea:: Oh screw it. The Fellowship have found themselves in a sticky situation, they have run out of Rivendell without any food!!!!! Tummies will rumble and personalities will clash. DUNDUNDUN!!!!

"You know what? Who is supposed to be the leader of this group?" Said Gandalf looking at Aragorn.

"WHAT?! Nobody reminded me to remind anyone to pack anything. All I got is my sword" Aragorn said in defense. 

"Uh, guys," Frodo piped up.

"Hey, Gandalf, dude, I thought you were supposed to lead us," said Legolas.

Gandalf pulled a list from out of his sleeve. "SEE! It says right here GUIDE: GANDALF THE GREY, LEADER: ARAGORN!"

"Dude, you just wrote that in," said Legolas pointing to the pen in Gandalf's hand.

Gandalf threw the list to the ground and began to stomp around, "I-WAS-NOT-IN-CHARGE-OF-MAK-ING-SURE-WE-HAD-FOOD-TO-EAT!!!!"

"Well then who was?" Asked Gimli angrily.

"YOU!!!" Gandalf pointed at Aragorn.

Aragorn threw up his arms, "I don't ever remember anyone telling me to pack food, or make sure food was packed, or to cook food, OR ANYTHING!!"

"Hey, big people!" Said Frodo again.

"WELL THEN WHO WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE SURE WE COULD SURVIVE?" Screamed Pippin franticly.

"Of course Aragorn doesn't remember, having the brain of an ant and all, some King of Gondor he'll make," scoffed Gandalf.

"Mmmfff, did someone say Gondor?" Asked Boromir through a mouth full of candy bar.

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT??!!!!!!!!!!" Everyone screamed and dived on top of Boromir.

"HEY YOU BUNCH OF IDIOTS LISTEN TO ME!!!!" Screamed Frodo.

"Oh, look who's calling US idiots," said Sam. "GET YOUR ELBOW OUT OF MY EYE YOU STUPID ELF!!"

"In case you hadn't noticed WE'RE JUST ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE RIVER!!!! RIVENDELL IS STILL JUST RIGHT THERE!!!" Screamed Frodo.

Sam got out his notepad and wrote, "Is it just me, or did that stab from the Polite Black Rider make Frodo SMARTER?"

"Well, now that we got that little bump in the road cleared up," said Gandalf, ripping the candy bar from Boromir's unconscious form.

"Oh, look who's the ant-brained now," said Aragorn as they walked over the bridge back into Rivendell.

"You are, Aragorn the Ant Brained, because you didn't realize that we were only just over the river," Gandalf said.

"Grrrrrr, I'M NOT ANT-BRAINED!!!!!"

"Ahem, of course you're not," Gandalf patted Aragorn on head, which, of course, only made him angrier.


	5. Poor Traumatized Hobbits

Disclaimer: Blah Blah Blah, I don't own LOTR and I don't have enough imagination ::does spongebob thing with rainbow(which I don't own either):: to write an original story. Isn't it great basking in the sun, of some one else's, uh, shadow?

I had a bit of a booboo and, uh, uploaded Chapter Five before Chapter Four. So now there is a new chapter wedged in-between three and five called four. Sorry 'bout that, you still love me though, right? Silence. Oh, poo.

CHAPTER FIVE "Poor Traumatized Hobbit"

Magical Narrator: So the Fellowship has gotten over that bump in the road and continued on with the journey at hand. They now find themselves not to far from Rivendell in a clearing.

"C'mon Frodo, all you gotta do is walk up and light Gandalf's robes on fire," Merry held out a match.

Frodo looked troubled, "I suddenly don't have the urge to light random people's clothes on fire."

"Well fine then, geez, I'll do it myself," Merry stalked off.

When he left Sam came running by and hugged Frodo.

"AHHHH!!!! WHAT"RE YOU DOING TO ME?" Screamed Frodo.

Everyone in the Fellowship looked at Sam and Frodo with raised eyebrows.

Sam let go of Frodo, "You've done it! You've done it!"

"Done what?"

"You said no to one of Merry's stupid ideas," Sam had begun to dance around Frodo.

"Uh, Sam, you're scaring me," said Frodo as he curled into a ball.

"See," Sam pointed to Merry who was being dangled by his feet by Gandalf who, in turn, was lit on fire, "you stopped yourself from some idiotic punishment from a wizard."

"Oh, thank you for pointing that out, now, can you go, maybe, please?" Frodo had begun to shake. 

"Hm, you'd think after having an unchecked spasm of brilliance he would want the company of more intelligent people," Sam said to Pippin.

Meanwhile Gandalf had his staff out and was waving it threateningly at Merry.

"YOU STUPID HOBBIT!! LIGHT ME ON FIRE, THE GENIUS IS ALIVE INSIDE OF YOU ISN"T IT?" Gandalf asked/screamed.

"I thought you were, um, a tree," said Merry stupidly. 

"A TREE! A TREE!!!!!!" Gandalf was completely lost for words after this and just stood there, shaking Merry by his ankles until all the matches, lighters, and anything flammable had fallen out of his pockets.

"Uh, dudes, I don't think we're getting anywhere," said Legolas leaning against a tree.

"The elf's right, we need to get going," said Gimli. Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at Gimli and Legolas.

"Gimli, did you just agree with Legolas?" Asked Aragorn.

"Yeah, so?" Answered Gimli.

"He's an ELF," said Boromir.

"And¼" said Gimli.

"You're a Dwarf," leave it to Aragorn and Boromir to state the obvious.

"OH DEAR GODS YOU'RE RIGHT!!!!!" Screamed Gimli.

"Oh, at least some people realize I'm an elf," scoffed Legolas.

"But like the elf said, I think we need to get moving," said Gimli with some difficulty, he was finding it hard to realize that he had just agreed with an elf.

"Well I'm tired and I want to stop," said Aragorn as he plopped himself onto the nice, soft ground.

"Idiot," said Gandalf, graciously excepting some Advil from Sam.

Magical Narrator: So, because Aragorn was tired, everyone plopped down onto the ground and began snoring. All except for Frodo who sat eyeing Sam, making sure he didn't make any sudden movements in his direction.

"He's gonna move, he's gonna move," he kept saying to himself.

And when Sam did move?

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Frodo. "HE'S GONNA COME FOR ME AGAIN, SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Everyone jumped up to their feet and looked at Frodo, who was looking at Sam, who was looking at Frodo.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME!!" Frodo screamed.

"What did you do to him?" Asked Pippin.

"Nothing, I just assumed that he had grown a bit more intelligent," answered Sam.

"HA! Nothing? You tried to rape me!!!" Said Frodo, scooting to edge of the clearing.

"Lords, i hope he is over reacting," Aragorn muttered.

"OF COURSE HE IS, THE LITTLE FREAK!!" Sam yelled.

"Off we go then," said Gandalf starting off through the woods.

"Wait, what?" Asked Sam as he hurried after the rest of the fellowship.

"Frankly, I don't want to hear about how you traumatized Frodo for the rest of his poor, young life," answered Gandalf.

Sam turned around and heard Frodo scream when he looked at him. "But I didn't DO anything to him," he pleaded.

"Dude, of course not,"

"Yeah, why would YOU do anything to HURT Frodo?"


	6. Legolas's Birds From Isengard

Disclaimer: I own nothing, nope, LOTR. Seriously, even Clary wants to get away from me.  
  
Clary: You betta bo-leeeve it!  
  
IR: I guess you won't get half the world when my Master Plan works.  
  
Clary: Your 'Master Plan' involved a bunch of spoons, a fish, and an ostrich. It didn't even get you the LOTR copyright!  
  
IR: You are so negative, you know that? Always focusing on my failures. I DON'T WANT TO HERE IT, CLARY!!!! Anyway, on with the story.  
  
  
  
CHAPTER SIX "Legolas's Birds from Isengard"  
  
"Where are we?" Asked Merry for the one hundred thousand millionth time. Since Frodo's sudden change from idiot to paranoid freak, Merry had to act for both of them.  
  
Gandalf swallowed about five more Advil tablets, "I don't know, Hollin?"  
  
"Oh, okie dokie," said Merry happily skipping ahead.  
  
"Er, where's Hol-lin?" Aragorn asked Legolas.  
  
"Dude!" Said Legolas, and almost hit him upside the head. "It's the place where the birds try and get us."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Didn't you read the book?"  
  
"Uh, no."  
  
"Well, then you're on your own, dude."  
  
"WILL YOU STOP CALLING ME DUDE? I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE SOME REBEL ELVEN PRINCE, YOU'RE TALKING TO THE HEIR OF THE THRONE OF GONDOR!!" Screamed Aragorn, everyone stopped and starred, then continued on.  
  
"Did someone say Gondor?" Asked Boromir.  
  
"Yes, your hopeless king," answered Legolas.  
  
"King?"  
  
"Aragorn,"  
  
"Oh, when did we learn that?"  
  
"We never did, we just assumed,"  
  
"Oh, then how do we know he really is the king?"  
  
"He's got this special sword, or something, I dunno."  
  
"Oh! You mean the one that cut the thingy offa that guy's hand?" asked Boromir. "And then the dude that did that got that thing that Frodo's got?"  
  
"Uh, right, you really got to learn your names, I mean at least learn to remember Sauron or THE RING for the Gods' sake," answered Legolas.  
  
"Tell me about it, uh."  
  
"Legolas, Boromir, Legolas,"  
  
"Huh, yeah, Legolas, I'll remember that,"  
  
"WELL HERE WE ARE!!" cried Aragorn, remember last time he did that?  
  
"Remember what Elrond said about taking it down a notch?" asked Gandalf. "And anyway, we aren't anywhere, it's just a pile of rocks."  
  
"Oh, well, sorry I just thought we could stop for some lunch maybe," said Aragorn to the ground.  
  
"Ooooo, good idea Aragorn," Merry said as he lit a match.  
  
"I THOUGHT I TOOK ALL OF THOSE AWAY FROM YOU!!" screamed Gandalf.  
  
"Boromir gave me one," pouted Merry.  
  
"BOROMIR!"  
  
"Uh, yes?"  
  
"Did you not see me shake Merry upside down so that he could not come in contact with any other fire producing objects?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"Hm, yes I did, actually,"  
  
"THEN WHY DID YOU GIVE MERRY A MATCH?!"  
  
"Geez, Gandalf, maybe you should do as the Black Riders and go to some anger management classes," Aragorn suggested.  
  
"Advil, please, Sam. MERRY GIVE ME THAT MATCH!"  
  
Magical Narrator: Gandalf caught Merry just before he lit the ever-shaky form of Frodo on fire ("We don't need him afraid of anyone beside Sam."). Uh, does anyone see where this is going, because I'm really confused? Are they at Hollin, or was that just Gandalf's overdose on Advil at work? Well, I'm narrating so I say that they are, just to save a bit of time. So, the Fellowship has found themselves on a bit of rock in Hollin, where, as Legolas has informed everybody, a cloud of birds will attack them.  
  
"So when are these birds of yours going to show up?" Asked Aragorn, sitting on a rock and eating a sausage.  
  
"Yeah, what do your KEEN eyes see?" Gimli snickered.  
  
"I do not appreciate this treatment, if I do see something, I won't tell you until you apologize," Legolas pouted.  
  
"Uuuhhhh," groaned Aragorn, "Why is everyone going through all these mood swings?"  
  
"That was not a mood swing, I'm a prince among elves and I deserve to be treated like one, even if you are the heir to the throne of Gondor," Legolas added when he saw Aragorn open his mouth.  
  
"Fine, I'm sorry I made fun of you," mumbled Aragorn.  
  
"Uh, yeah," said Gimli, after a rather long period of time.  
  
"Did someone say Gondor?" Asked Boromir.  
  
"NOT NOW!" Everyone answered.  
  
"So what do you see?" Asked Aragorn excitedly.  
  
"I see," Legolas started, "I see what could be a wisp of clouds," he looked around, enjoying the fact that everyone was hanging on every word, "but it really is a FLOCK OF CERBAIN FROM DUNLAND."  
  
"Eek!" Screeched Aragorn, "I mean, Ahhh."  
  
"Oh, that old coot Saruman?" Asked Gandalf lazily.  
  
"But isn't he a bad guy?" Asked Legolas.  
  
"Oh yes, as bad as your grandpa's grandpa," answered Gandalf.  
  
"Hey! I like my Grandpa's grandpa," everyone looked at him. "What? I AM an ELF and we ARE IMMORTLE."  
  
"Of course, maybe that wasn't the best example, but you get the idea right?" Asked Gandalf hopefully, then sighed when everyone nodded, except for Merry, who was trying to stand on his head. "ADVIL SAM, ADVIL!!"  
  
"So we don't have to worry about the birds?" Asked Legolas.  
  
"Nah,"  
  
"Oh, sorry du-, I mean guys," Legolas apologized.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For getting your hopes up, about the birds,"  
  
"Oh, yeah, I was really excited about getting my eyes pecked out," said Aragorn.  
  
Just then there was heard from above, "Darn, if he weren't so willing to be tortured."  
  
"Yeah, that takes the fun out of it if he likes his eyes being pecked out."  
  
There was a swooshing noise and the flock of birds flew away.  
  
"Uh, I guess you were wrong about Saruman," said Aragorn, watching the birds fly away.  
  
"I said Saruman was an old coot, I never said that his birds would be nice," Gandalf said as he lit his pipe, "well, I guess we'll have to go over the mountain now, Caradra- DaraC, oh forget it, you know the mountain pass."  
  
"Why?" Asked Aragorn.  
  
"Do you really want your eyes pecked out?"  
  
"No,"  
  
"Well then we better not go where they go," then added, "idiot." 


	7. The Mystically Magical Narrator

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR-can't think of anymore witty disclaimer thingys-mind going blank-writer's block-freezing brain-HELP!!! Ahem, well, anyway…

CHAPTER SEVEN 

Magical Narrator: They've gotten to Chrad-, no, Drhah-, well anyway, they've gotten to that mountain pass and everyone is really cold and jealous of Legolas because he's bragging that he can walk on snow.

"You better not throw that snowball, Aragorn," suggested Legolas, who stood on top of the snow with his own snowball ready.

"Oh yeah, why not?" Aragorn Asked.

"Because-" WHACK the snowball hit Legolas right in the face.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!"

"Oh, you're going to pay for that," Legolas ran past Boromir, knocking him flat into the snow. Boromir's shield slid across the snow and Legolas watched it, "Ha! You better watch out Aragorn."

"Aaahhh, don't hurt me!" Aragorn cowered on the ground.

"Oh, please," mumbled Gandalf.

"D-did s-s-someone say G-gondor?" asked Boromir as he sat up, then was laid flat again by Legolas as he zoomed by on the shield like a snowboard.

"Haha, this is awesome, I always wanted to snowboard!" cried Legolas as he got closer and closer to Aragorn.

"STOP!!"

The shield stopped in mid-air just as it was about to crash into Aragorn. Gandalf trudged through the snow and pushed Legolas off and carried the shield back to Boromir's unconscious from.

"I don't think that you want to kill the him just yet, he might come in handy, sooner or later," Gandalf told Legolas as he walked off back to the front of the line.

Legolas stood up and pranced-

"Hey! I do not prance!"

Sorry, it just looked like it fit.

"No, I don't think so,"

But, what am I supposed to say?

"Uh, that Legolas walked very manly-y over the snow,"

You're an elf, and manly-y isn't a word.

"So, I can still be manly,"

No.

"Why not?"

Because you're an elf.

"That doesn't mean I have to PRANCE,"

Maybe you're right.

"Thank you,"

How about, uh, Legolas skipped?

"NO!"

"Legolas, who are you talking to?" Asked Aragorn.

"That mystically, Magical Narrator, it sounds like a her, but you can never tell when it's all echo-ey like that," he answered matter-of-factly.

"Hm, whatever you say,"

"What? You didn't hear it?"

"You know, I really don't want to know what do when you think no one's listening,"

"But, I wasn't DOING anything, I just didn't want to prance,"

This made Aragorn even more freaked out.

"SEE! There it goes again!" Legolas pointed to the sky.

"Um, maybe you should get some help Legolas. I don't think hearing voices is very normal, even for an elf," Aragorn backed away slowly, then turned and booked it.

They don't know what it's like to have to be bothered by sensitive elven hearing, which can pick up even the smallest sound of a Magical Narrator.

"SHUT UP!!" Legolas covered his ears. "I'M NOT CRAZY, I CAN'T HEAR THE MAGICAL NARRATOR, LALALALA."

This made EVERYONE freaked out, and Aragorn from now on kept at least five feet between himself and Legolas.

"BE QUIET!!"

Well, I do have a story to tell.

"AAAAHHHHHH!!!!"


	8. More Mischief from the Magical Narrator

Disclaimer: Hey! Here something new! I don't own LotR, shocking as it may seem.

I think just have to give a big WHOOOHAAAA to all my reviewers so far, who are going to reviwer, and anybody just dropping in. But if you are just dropping in and you like, remember that the reason that I live and breathe is to make my readers happy, so review. I only think it's fair that I remind every now and then, I've, uh, met some VERY forgetful people…

CHAPTER EIGHT

"It's getting a lot more windy up here," shivered Sam.

"Well, put a jacket on, you're in your short sleeves," Gandalf suggested.

"Heh, good idea," Sam pulled on his cloak.

"But it really is getting a lot more windy," said Boromir.

"You're all a bunch a whiners," yelled Gandalf over a gust of wind.

"Look, up in the sky," Legolas pointed up into the sky, imagine that.

"Well not all of us have eyes as KEEN as yours," Frodo muttered, everyone looked at him and he screeched when Sam glanced in his direction.

"Yeah, describe it to us," said Aragorn.

"Uh, okie dokie," said Legolas, "it looks like a guy, up in the air, and he's coming closer and closer, looks kinda like you Gandalf.

"Suraman," mumbled Gandalf.

"Oh no!' Everyone gasped.

"Please," said Gandalf, "the old wind bag is blowing on us, you can smell his disgusting breath.

And, of course, everyone took a nice deep breath and started gagging because Suraman really did have bad breath.

"SHUT UP!!" Screamed Legolas as he tried to cover his ears and hold his nose.

****

*Sigh* I can't just stop telling a story because you're too insecure to admit that you can hear me.

"LALALALALA!!"

You know, I could just make you deal with it, it is MY story.

"But you don't OWN me!!" He called.

Legolas has come to terms with the fact that he cam hear mystically Magic Narrators and happily uncovers his ears so that he CAN HEAR ME CONTROL HIS LIFE!

"NO!!" Legolas watched his arms move from his ears against his will.

"Um, Legolas, are you okay?" Asked Aragorn.

Everyone around the elf had backed away to five feet.

"What was that?" He asked again.

MWAHAHAHAHA!!! Now everyone can hear the voice of the Magical Narrator.

Another Mystically Voice: Uh, you think that maybe you're taking this a little far, you've started to interrupt the flow of the story.

But, I was, yeah maybe you're right. Okay, I'm sorry, Legolas, and everyone down there, carry on with your story.

"It's okay," everyone muttered, except Legolas.

What's the matter? Don't you accept my apology? Fine then, I'll haunt you for the rest of this story, OOOOOO AAAAHHHHHH.

Another Mystical Voice: Oh no you won't.

****

*Sigh* fine. The Fellowship had to turn around off the mountain because Suraman's breath was so bad, and now they must go through the MINES OF MORIA, ooooo-aaahhh.


	9. The Telemarketer

Disclaimer: I own nothing. See, these are the Tolkieny people ::pulls down chart and slaps pointer on a picture of the Tolkien Estate holding a paper that says 'LOTR copyright':: And this is me ::slaps pointer on a picture of herself holding a bottle ketchup::

CHAPTER NINE

"If we go through the Mines of Morphia, won't we fall asleep if we step on them?" Asked Merry when they stopped at the shiny, glittering doors TO THE MINES OF MORIA.

"IDIOT! FOOL!! We are going through the MINES OF MORIA!! NOT MORPHIA!!" Screamed Gandalf.

Oh, okie dokie," Merry said happily.

"So how do we get in then?" Asked Aragorn looking at the door which shined all prettily in the moonlight.

Gandalf shrugged, "Who knows?"

"Well maybe you should read what it says ON the door," suggested Boromir.

"Nah,"

"Why not?"  


"Because, all it says is 'speak friend and enter'. They really don't think we're that stupid, that we won't know the elvish word for friend is _Mellon," _scoffed Gandalf.

And bada-bing bada-boom the door opened up.

"Oooo, look who's ant-brained NOW," mumbled Aragorn as they walked in the door.

"I was thinking on a larger scale, so it's not me, if that's who you are referring to," called Gandalf from the front.

"Well then why didn't you think of the password?" Said Aragorn angrily.

"Why didn't you, Aragorn the Ant-Brained?" Asked Gandalf. "On second thought," Gandalf whipped around, "I DID think of the password."

Aragorn looked to the stony ground, "Let's just go in then."

They all walked happily into the inky blackness that is THE MINES OF MORIA. All of a sudden something lashed out a Frodo's ankle.

"Er, sir, please, just consider switching your phone service."

No!! It was one of the most horrible and foul creatures in Middle earth, a TELEMARKETER.

"AAAAHHHHH!!! SAVE ME SAM!!" Frodo clawed at the back of Sam's legs, everyone else seemed oblivious to the mingled cries of Frodo and the Telemarketer.

Sam drew a sword out of thin air and went to go cut the phone cord that held Frodo in it's slimy, disgusting grip.

"No, please, we offer competitive rates, and if you switch now we'll throw in caller I.D. and call waiting," the telemarketer shrieked when it saw Sam's sword.

"Oh really?" Asked Sam, intrigued. "Only if I act right now?"

"Uh huh," said the Telemarketer sitting down and opening his briefcase and pulling out an easel and statistics, "as you can see right here-" he slapped a pointer on a poster depicting a bar graph, "MEnet's rates are five cents cheaper than Amagictech."

"Really?" Gasped Sam. "I could cut my phone bill in half?"

"Yes," answered the Telemarkter and passionately pointed at Sam, "plus, caller I.D. and call waiting."

"WOW! What a deal!" Cried Sam.

"SAM DON'T LISTEN TO HIM!!" Screamed Frodo.

Everyone turned around and stared when they heard Frodo. They looked at Sam, then the Telemarketer, then at Frodo on the ground wrapped in a telephone cord, then at Sam, then at the Telemarketer, then at Frodo, then again at the Telemarketer. This went on for a few more minutes until it seemed to click in everyone's mind.

"Oooohhhh," they all sighed.

Then Legolas took an arrow and shot the Telemarketer. He stumbled back into the water, clutching his arm.

"Please tell me you meant to shoot him in the arm," Frodo gasped as he stumbled into Moria.

"Eh," Legolas shrugged, "you never know where an arrow is going to go when you're that close."

"What you just said made absolutely no sense," said Aragorn.

"Why?"

"Because you were like five feet away and I would think you could, you know, KILL THE GUY," Answered Aragorn.

"Hey, maybe I did mean to hit him in the arm,"

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP!!" Screamed Gandalf.

And because of Gandalf nice shrill voice the rock around the entrance collapsed and they were trapped in THE MINES OF MORIA.

"Did you hear that?" Asked Legolas.


	10. Super Ball Sam

Disclaimer: I'm gonna cut straight to the point-I don't own LotR. Told you I would!

Hey, I'm glad so many of you love and absolutely adore me!!!!! ::blank stares back from the readers:: Uh, yeah, maybe I should take it down a notch. REVIEWERS ROCK!! There I go again.

__

CHAPTER TEN 

"Oh great, now we're stuck in here, and I hate the dark," whined Aragorn.

"Well then it's a good thing they installed electric lights then, huh?" Gandalf said in a cooy baby sorta voice.

"They installed what-what?" Everyone echoed.

"E-lec-tric lights. The whole save the earth, and unpoluting energy thing," answered Gandalf and gave an exasperated sigh.

"Unpoluting?"

"Energy?"

"Earth?"

"Oh come now, I know you aren't all THAT big of idiots, of course I don't include Merry when I say that," Gandalf popped a few Advil into his mouth.

"Can we just, like go?" Legolas blew a sigh and put a hand on his hip in a way I promise he will never ever do again because he's not supposed be THAT kinda elf.

"YOU IDIOTS ARE THE ONES WHO ARE KEEPING ME HERE!!!" Screamed Gandalf. "ARAGORN TURN ON THE LIGHTS!!"

Magical Narrator: Aragorn flipped the switch that, luckily, wasn't buried when Gandalf screamed. Hey, did you notice how echo-ey it is in here? Hello-hello-ello-llo-o-o-o, heehee, that's awesome-awesome-wesome-some-ome-me-e-e-e.

"You know some of us can still hear echo-ey Magical Narrators!" Legolas whispered loudly.

Echo-echo-echo-cho-o-o-o, and Legolas plugged his ears. 

"Thank you!"

Magical Narrator: Now, back to the story. The fellowship must now pass the long, dark of Moria. Okay, okay, I admit I got that from the movie, so sue me. ::a lawyer pops up with a copyright in his hands:: Ahhh, figure of speech, figure of speech!! I have no money! ::at this the lawyer vanishes:: For the second time now, we get back to the story. Frodo finds out they are being followed, OH NO!!

"GANDALF!! IT'S SAM IN A FREAKY GOLLUM COSTUME AND HE"S TRYING TO GET ME BY CLIMBING ON THE WALLS LIKE A SPIDER!!" Frodo screamed as he ran and clung to Gandalf. Everyone turned and looked at Sam, who was sitting smoking his pipe in very unGollumish attire.

"Fool, that IS Gollum, he's been following us for three days," Gandalf blew out a puff of smoke, a little on the mellow side.

"Nu-hu," Frodo shook his head, "It's Sam, and that's just his automated dummy down there pretending to be him."

Gandalf sighed and patted Frodo on the head, "No, young hobbit, watch. Aragorn poke Sam with your sword, try'n draw bit of blood too."

"Okie dokie," Aragorn bounced up happily and drew his nice, long WHOLE sword.

"What! Don't I get a say in this?" Sam scooted to the edge of a conveniently placed cliff.

"No, we have to prove to Frodo that you aren't a robot," Legolas drew his own nice'n shiny knives.

"But you know I'm-" Sam fell over the cliff.

"Whoops," everyone said at once, then began to stroll about whistling innocently.

Just then Sam bounced back over the cliff.

"Whew, glad I got those implants," Sam sighed.

"WHAT!?" Everyone gasped, then started banging their heads against the wall because that remark had put such ugly and unusual pictures in the minds of those poor members of the Fellowship that not a single one of them wanted to have any sort of memory of it. ( Wow was that a long sentence, so I've had my bit, I'm happy)

"It's always good to have some junk in the trunk," Sam said confidently.

"I smell, uh, something down that way, let's go there," Gandalf stumbled down a random tunnel.

"Wait, what?"

"Nobody wants to know about your butt implants," Gandalf spoke for all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I am sooooo very sorry, I have no idea what came over me this chapter. That side of my mind ya'know? Well if you don't that's okay. Chappy 'leven's gonna be a biggy so bear with me!!!!


	11. The Cheerleaders! Fear Them!

Disclaimer: Yada-yada-yada, I don't own LotR, just trusty orangey and my ketchup.

Whooooohaaaaaaa!! I know I said this chapter would be long, but I cut it down cuz it was getting too long. Sorry if I kept you waiting. DON'T SPILL YOUR COFFEE!!!

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Magical Narrator: So, they followed Gandalf and found the great Dwarf city of Dwarrow-delf-thingy majigger. Gandalf lit his staff and said the whole risking light thing, aaannnnndddddd…. THE PONIES ARE BACK. They're doing the waltz all through the hall. Aren't they cute?

"Ahem," said Gandalf gruffly.

And *poof* the ponies were gone.

"Ooooo, do that again," Merry said in complete awe.

"Do what?"

"The ponies,"

"What ponies?" Gandalf raised an eyebrow at the rest of the Fellowship, who just shrugged.

As they made their way through Dwarrow thingy, Legolas was complaining to Gimli that I, the Magical Narrator, did not include what was rightfully his, a mob of screaming fangirls.

"Dude, I just don't think it's, like, fair," Legolas explained, "I read the book and, dude, even saw the movie. I know how good I, like, look, and I heard those girls in the theater. They're all, like, oh my god Legolas is sooo hot…" 

He went on like this for sometime until Gimli lost all patience with him and ran off. (He was also kinda upset that Legolas went on and on about his legions of fangirls while, for all he knew, he did not have one.)

"I can't take it anymore!!" he roared and trundled into a side room.

"Gimli no," said Gandalf offhandedly.

Then a loud NO was heard coming from that room off to the side and very gruff sobs.

"Awww, did Gimli fall?" asked Merry, trying to rub two rocks together and create fire.

"Probably," Gandalf followed the rest of the Fellowship, rather reluctantly, into the side room.

Gimli kneeled before a stone gravey thingy bawling his eyes out. Gandalf went and read what was on the stone gravey thingy.

"Here lies Josie, daughter of Amy, the only known Gimli fangirl who died trying to find her love."

Everyone tried to look sad, but there was a definite shiver that went through the bunch. A dwarf fangirl? Creepy.

"Okay, I think you've done enough narrating for right now, can we, like, get on to the battle scene?" asked Legolas angrily.

Heehee, he doesn't know what I have in store for them, oh no ::rubs hands together in an evil way and smiles in an even more evil way::

"Legolas, are you talking to mystically Magical Narrators again?" Aragorn asked as one who was asking their child if he had been in the cookie jar again.

"Yes," Legolas replied, looking to the ground.

Anyway, all of a sudden they heard a crash and a yell.

"Merry I told you not to throw meeeeeeeeeee," Frodo's voice came from a well that was conveniently placed right in that side room.

"Merry, did you throw Frodo down the well?" asked Sam.

"Yup,"

"I'm comin' for you Mr. Frodo!" Sam jumped after Frodo, funny I thought Sam hated Frodo. Whatever.

"Ooooo, he's gonna bounce," Merry clapped his hands eagerly.

This immediately restored their memories and they all fell to the ground in agony because they had strange pictures of Sam floating around in there.

Sam bounced back up with Frodo in his arms (NO DON"T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, although I know saying this will make you all think of it, :: evil cackle::) and was about to say he was glad that he had gotten that "procedure" done to him when there was a sound.

"What was that?" asked Aragorn turning around wildly in every direction about five times until he fell over.

"It sounds like," Legolas used the same fine elven hearing that he uses to hear me, "dude, it sounds like clapping."

Then another sound could be heard faintly, a chanting almost.

"Gimme an O, Gimme an R, Gimme a C, what does that spell? ORCS, GO FIGHT, ORCS!!!"

"Oh my, that's not what I think it is, is it?" asked Frodo frightfully, clinging to Sam, then realizing who it was screamed and switched to Pippin (who we haven't heard a lot from, so let's give him a part)

"It's can't be," gasped Pippin (see, YAY!!)

"I think it is," Aragorn groaned as he got off the ground.

"I KNOW it is," said Legolas drawing his bow.

"WHAT IS IT ALREADY!!" screamed Gandalf, who had been left in the dark.

"A foul race," Boromir began (hey we got him in too, YAY!!), "they are a conceited group and a ruined form of life. They are, the cheerleaders!" (I have nothing against the above, I POKE FUN AT **EVERYTHING**!! ::pokes at a cheerleader:: heehee, you look funny)

"Wow, you remembered that?" asked Legolas.

"No, the teleprompter," Boromir pointed to the screen, which quickly disappeared because we all know that there is no such thing as a teleprompter in Middle-earth ::wink-wink, nudge-nudge::

"We're reeeedd hooottt, you're fellowship is deeeaaaadd shot, let's show'em what we got," came from just outside the door of the side room. A volley of deadly pom-poms came hurtling towards them. They had just enough time to close and bar the door.

"Wow, did you see those things?" asked Aragorn, breathless.

"Yeah they must have had, like, a pound of make-up on their face," relied Legolas.

"You need it though, when you're that ugly underneath," said Boromir.

"THAT WASN'T VERY NICE!!!" yelled a shrill voice. "BUT WE'LL FORGIVE YOU IF YOU GIVE US FRODO!!!!!!"

Then, "Frodo, we love you, we think you're outta sight, Frodo, we love you, ooooo, gimme some to-nite!!" came through the door.

"Fine, we'll meet your demands," said Aragorn, there was an earth-shattering screech after that.

"We can't give him to the Orcs, you idiot, we still need him to be the Ring-bearer," Gandalf whacked Aragorn upside the head.

"Ow! Sorry, geez,"

"If you won't give us Frodo, then I guess we'll just have to come in there and get him ourselves!" said the shrill voice again.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I thought it was time for a cliffhanger, what do you think? Don't worry chapter twelve will be up in a jiff. I also know that my cheers suck, hey, if I as a cheerleader, my Orcs wouldn't be cheerleaders.


	12. To Snip or Not to Snip

Disclaimer: Hey guess what? CHICKEN-BUTT!! Oh, and I don't own LotR. ::holds up ketchup bottle::

Heehee. Thanks for all the reviews dudes and dudetts. Whooooooohaaaaaaa! I just thought I needed to say that because, as I'm sure you all already know, REVIEWERS ROCK!! 

CHAPTER TWELVE

Everyone cowered back against the wall. "Nnnnnoooooooo!" they screamed as they heard pom-poms smashing against the door.

"We're all gonna die!!" cried Aragorn.

"Oh, you big baby, they're cheerleaders, what can they do to us?" asked Gandalf.

"Now I know what the Magical Narrator meant when she said that we didn't know what she had in for us," said Legolas fumbling with his bow and arrows. "It's kinda ironic."

How is it ironic, I never meant for anything to be ironic? It's just how the story goes my stupid elven friend.

"Hey! I never said I was your friend!" screamed Legolas to the ceiling completely oblivious to the fact that I called him stupid.

It's your loss, I guess I'm just gonna hafta kill you off then, oooooooorrrrrr maybe make you get a haircut.

"NO!! No, I'll be your friend, anything, just not my HAIR!!!" Legolas dropped his bow and cowered on the ground, covering his hair.

"I would appreciate it, Magical Narrator, if you would leave him alone for now and get on with the story," Gandalf said irritably.

Heh, yeah, so where was I? Oh yeah! Finally the great volleys of pom-poms became too much for the poor, little, wooden door and it shattered right before the fellowship. The cheerleaders entered. They did back flips. They did flip-flops. IT WAS HORRIBLE!!!

Boromir fell to the ground, covering his eye, "My eyes, my beautiful eyes!"

The bright pink of the Orcs' uniforms was, uh…bright. It blinded all of those who looked upon it, if their eyes were adjusted to the darkness and they hadn't seen light in a very long time. The again, they were in that tomby place were there was light, so pretty much everyone got off okay except Boromir, for some reason :: evil grin ::

"Give us Frodo, give him now!" they chanted, very fierce and terrifying bubble-gum voice, it chilled the bones.

"For the SHIRE!!!" screeched Merry. (Perhaps the first coherent words that he had said in a LONG time. The beginning of an enlightened Merry? Nah!) He dived on top of an oncoming pyramid of cheerleaders. Needless to say he fought heroically, or as heroically as a complete and utter idiot without an ounce of psychotic stability can, but it seemed to work.

"OOOOoooooo, this one it cuddly and small, just like Frodo!!"

Or not.

"They have Merry!" bellowed Aragorn and he rushed to Merry's aid. Everyone else seemed quite content with the fact that Merry was going to endure a lifetime of ceaseless torture by a pack of Hobbit-hungry cheerleader Orcs.

Now, you may ask, "What is the rest of the Fellowship doing? They aren't just sitting around watching this happen?" The truth is, friend, they are. Boromir is rinsing out his eyes with his travel size bottle of contact solution. Legolas is trying hopelessly to fire a straight arrow at one of the cheerleaders. Pippin is thoroughly engrossed in his new book "Hobbit Hair Removal-To Snip or Not to Snip." Gandalf is trying to keep Frodo from crawling up and hiding in his hat. Finally, Sam is rubbing his, uh, tush, he did jump down a well!!!!

Well, now that we got that cleared up. I can continue. Aragorn rushed at the pack of rabid Orcs tried to, you know, cut them up. Class, if you can refer to chapter one…"Darn, I can never get it near the throat." From this what can we conclude? Blank stares. Me may conclude that Aragorn wasn't fairing too well.

"I'm coming Merry!" he cried as he unsuccessfully tried to behead a cheerleader.

However, Merry seemed to be enjoying himself. He was now surrounded by a bunch of girls with IQs only a few points higher then his, who were tickling him, and exclaiming in their high pitched voices how cute he was. Needless to say, he didn't want some stupid Ranger to come and "rescue" him.

Too late. Aragorn had resorted scaring away the cheerleaders with Boromir's yearbook pictures. Needless to say, (I've got to stop saying that, huh?) they all ran away because they were terribly and truly hideous. When they went to comfort the poor man they screamed even louder because his eyes were all runny and red with contact solution and his, uh, blindness. 

"Oh, now look what you did," said Merry (another coherent phrase!) as he watched the cheerleaders flee into the bigger hall of Dwarow-delfy-thingy.

Gandalf stood up, a bit unsteadily since Frodo had succeeded in taking refuge in his hat, "Well, now that we got Merry back," he didn't sound the least bit pleased, "we must fly to the Bridge of Cavity-Doom!"

"I think it's Khazad-dum," whispered Frodo from under his hat.

"Whatever, just let's go."


End file.
